Surviving the Month, the Day, the Hour, and the Minute Life Changed Forever Part 1

 

I have read so much on the topic of surviving the time life changed forever.  It is fast approaching and I have been setting protective measures in place.

I have asked for phone calls and text messages and I am meeting with my bereavement counselor for about 90 minutes that day.  I will take my laptop and a thumb drive loaded with photos of our life, photos of Larry, and photos of us together and she and I will go through them as I talk about how many wonderful memories I have of my Cowboy, my Bear, my Larry.

I have been making changes already this month because it is a right of passage.

I sit here thinking about all I have done over the past year and so many things have prepared me for that date that hovers over my head, and I know I have done well.

I am a different person.  I am a widow and I detest that word. I couldn’t even type it when Larry first died.  I can type it now.  It’s an ugly word because society has made it an ugly word.  Even Garth Brooks sang about it “she was a lonely widow woman, hellbent to make it on her own.”  I do agree with the making it on my own part and being hellbent to do so.

So here I am almost a year later and in January I took my first step in joining a local woman’s business group because I need new friends.  I need to build a new reputation that matches where I live now.

I also joined a new group on Facebook that is an offshoot of a travel group I belong to there, and I am going to go to lunch with these ladies in March.

I am going to attend Widow’s Camp in Tampa for one day of the 3 days it is here at the end of March and I took a big step and told my bereavement counselor that I would like to try a group meeting again.

I tried group counseling before, it was too soon.  I still needed to have someone hold my hand one on one.  Now I realize I may be ready.

I look at the calendar trying to recall what we were doing a year ago every day and I find myself thinking that a year ago he only had so many more days to live and my eyes leak.

Yes, I am moving forward without Larry, however that doesn’t lessen the pain of missing him with every breath and everything that I do.

My heart will always be fractured.

Sadly it will never heal completely, how can it?

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