I have read so much on the topic of surviving the time life changed forever. It is fast approaching and I have been setting protective measures in place.
I have asked for phone calls and text messages and I am meeting with my bereavement counselor for about 90 minutes that day. I will take my laptop and a thumb drive loaded with photos of our life, photos of Larry, and photos of us together and she and I will go through them as I talk about how many wonderful memories I have of my Cowboy, my Bear, my Larry.
I have been making changes already this month because it is a right of passage.
I sit here thinking about all I have done over the past year and so many things have prepared me for that date that hovers over my head, and I know I have done well.
I am a different person. I am a widow and I detest that word. I couldn’t even type it when Larry first died. I can type it now. It’s an ugly word because society has made it an ugly word. Even Garth Brooks sang about it “she was a lonely widow woman, hellbent to make it on her own.” I do agree with the making it on my own part and being hellbent to do so.
So here I am almost a year later and in January I took my first step in joining a local woman’s business group because I need new friends. I need to build a new reputation that matches where I live now.
I also joined a new group on Facebook that is an offshoot of a travel group I belong to there, and I am going to go to lunch with these ladies in March.
I am going to attend Widow’s Camp in Tampa for one day of the 3 days it is here at the end of March and I took a big step and told my bereavement counselor that I would like to try a group meeting again.
I tried group counseling before, it was too soon. I still needed to have someone hold my hand one on one. Now I realize I may be ready.
I look at the calendar trying to recall what we were doing a year ago every day and I find myself thinking that a year ago he only had so many more days to live and my eyes leak.
Yes, I am moving forward without Larry, however that doesn’t lessen the pain of missing him with every breath and everything that I do.
My heart will always be fractured.