Surviving Christmas now that you are no longer alive is a major emotional chore every day.
I tried this year. I bought a tree, it’s rather ugly and sparse but it fit my budget. I got the decorations out that I used on our small tree in our bedroom because I was always in charge of decorating that tree and my heart wouldn’t hurt as much or so I thought.
Then I opened all the boxes of decorations I had kept to see what I could put where. It’s the same, yet different, because everything is different.
Instead of counting down the days till Christmas morning when our biggest joy was watching the dogs rip open their presents, I am not counting down the days until this season is completely over.
Instead of attending celebrations and concerts I listen to certain Christmas songs on my phone. There is just music my heart cannot handle yet. For example a year ago tonight we were at the TSO Concert in Tampa and that is where we had our last photo together taken.
While I write my thoughts every day, I sometimes wonder if I sound too happy and if I do that means people don’t realize that a large part of me is missing everything so much that at times breathing hurts.
I am fighting an impulse to rip all the decorations down and pack them up because I know now it was too soon. I thought I could do this. I believed I was braver than I am. If you were still alive you would want me to leave them up all year.
The magic is just not there. When you were alive there was magic every day throughout the season. You loved Christmas so much and you loved to make my eyes sparkle with excitement.
There is no joy in this house this year. The magic is gone. The sparkle is not there and I realized this morning my heart is homeless from the holidays. That is the best way I can describe my feelings. No matter how many decorations I put up, no matter how many candles I light, no matter how many cards I receive, no matter how many songs I listen to, I am homeless in my heart from the holidays.
There are no gifts under the tree, no gifts in the mail to family, no big meals planned, no baking and if there is a lesson to be learned in all of this it is that being alone at this time of the year is tremendously sad not just for me, but for everyone who is homeless in their hearts from the holidays not to mention homeless in life..
If you were still alive my heart would be full of the joy of the season and we be watching Christmas movies together, drinking wine, and the dogs would be on our laps.
If you were still alive, I would feel alive this Christmas.