I have had a lot of reaction to my posts about not marrying a man who has no respect for their mothers. This happened to me in life either in marriage or in dating 3 times. I was drawn to men who actually intensely hate their moms. I am beginning to realize that these men are always looking for a mommy, and I liked that type of attention.
I did not marry/date my dad till much later in life. I had to hit the bottom of the barrel of relationships to realize if I did not break the mold I was destined to repeat history over and over again.
Men who do not love their mothers are usually very abusive. They are very nasty in conversations, worse yet in arguments and many actually do get physical. They need help, probably won’t get it, and should be avoided like the plague. No woman is going to change them. I constantly remind my friends entering into new relationships to ask the man what he got his mom for her birthday or Mother’s Day last year. It is a good conversation opener.
When I left my last woman/mother hating man, I did not actually go to a counselor to make changes, I drew from a counseling experience, I had excellent friends who gave me great advice and I listened, and this was the period of time when The Oprah Show actually had guests who really reached out to help people. I watched her show everyday and I learned so much. I read the recommended books and I joined a discussion group.
When I met Larry the first thing that crossed my mind was that he would be a great friend. Whizz! Bang! Hello Carole!!!!! I heard my favorite counselor whispering in my ear the greatest advice I had ever been given. She told me once upon a time that the next time I heard myself thinking a man I have met is a great friend followed by thoughts of fixing him up with another girlfriend that I needed to hear my thoughts and keep him for me.
I did that and when I did that I started to see that Larry was a total 180 degree turnaround from anyone I had ever been with, he actually adored his mother, and he respects women right down to walking on the outside of the sidewalk.
Now I look back and see how much Larry is like my dad. My dad, whom I always call Willy, loved his mother so much. When she moved to Florida to retire I saw the change in him. She was very far away, and he missed her. Larry’s mom died a long time ago, years before I met him. His biggest regret of all is that in his marriage something very sad happened and his parents were made to feel uncomfortable in coming to visit, and if he wanted to visit with his kids, huge fights occurred. Being taught in life to honor is marriage his parents told him it was okay to not visit so there would be peace in his marriage. He regrets doing this to this day, and we always honor his mother’s memory on Mother’s Day where he tells me wonderful stories about her and his growing up years.
That is how I feel about Willy. I miss him every day and missed him even more when I met and married Larry because Willy would have loved Larry, he would have been his golfing buddy, his card playing buddy, his friend.
I did take a look at the idea that we as women do marry our dads, and found this site to be interesting:
I had to kiss (and worse) a lot of very snaky men to find the one who makes me proud to call my husband, so it comes as no surprise to me that there are other women I have known who definitely don’t choose a man like their dads. Sadly I think I know one who will never make those changes in her life, and I have seen her choices and I know her dad. Maybe she will finally catch on some day.
Now what about you? I realize this really applies and happens more when you have had an amazing relationship when you were growing up—think about it—sometimes we should stop and ask ourselves “what would dad do at this moment” and maybe we will move forward, and maybe we need to really think about moving forward.
Willy-I love you!