In Love? Or in Control?

I put this quote on my status today on Facebook because it sends a message.

~ Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. ~ Blaine Lee

I have been writing about choice and how whatever choices YOU make YOU own.  There are very few situations where someone else “made you” make a certain choice.

It happens though.

I was in a relationship with a man who was so controlling that I lost myself and often my choice was really his choice.  I thought I had found my prince.  I was in love.  When he suggested living together – I moved in.  I was in love, I willingly gave up my own refuge, my own domain.

Eventually I gave up my car.  He had three, and he gently suggested I give mine to my daughter.  I was in love, I listened.

These examples may seem like no big deal, but they are.  I lost me in making those decisions and he had complete control over me.  It was his house, his cars, his control.  I still married him.  He bought me a house, in his name only.  He bought me a car, in his name only.  He was the warden, I was the prisoner.

When you are in love though you don’t see it that way at first.  When you do start to see it you are trapped.  I know that sounds surprising, but it isn’t always easy to just pack up and leave.  You ask yourself where you would go if you could and the answer is nowhere.  You ask yourself how you can afford to leave and you know you can’t so you settle and in settling you become miserably unhappy.

I remember when it finally hit me that I had nothing to call my own.  I had worked hard all my life and I had nothing to show for it.  I also had fallen into the pit of control, and it is not easy to crawl out.  I was depressed that I ever allowed this to happen to me.  I had gotten used to a certain lifestyle and leaving would be a huge challenge.

Furthermore you are embarrassed to ask for help, you don’t want people to judge you, you don’t want to admit to yourself that you made a very bad choice.

Eventually a door opened for me and I did get out.  I live in a house with my name on the deed.  I drive a car in my name.  I have my identity back and I have my own money.  I also learned from that experience that sometimes you don’t even see the control taking over.

In my case, I was always told “it is for your own good.”  Or “I am doing what is best for you.”  The truth is when someone says that to you most of the time it is ONLY for their good and they are doing what is best for them.

Someone recently said something similar to me and when she said “I did what I thought was best…….”, I immediately knew she had done what was best for her.  I had a flash back of what I had lived through, and I knew in that moment that I was looking into the face of a warden.

We can get pulled into making bad choices and we do own these bad choices.  Hopefully when we get out, if we can get out, we learn and we make better choices in our lives.

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