Surviving while trying to reach forgiveness takes a lot of deep thought. The thoughts invade your brain and you try to think them through and you eventually let go of them because you are still pissed off, you still hate someone or something, you want to slap/punch/kick in anger.
This has been a year filled with moments, happenings, shit that I know eventually I will need to forgive but I am not there yet and I am not sure I will be soon. I am writing because it helps me to think and see things more clearly.
We are told we need to forgive others or happenings to us for ourselves. I call bullshit at this time on this. There are moments when being pissed off is good, when remembering why you hate someone or something is a good thing, and you can always slap a ball, punch a bag, or kick something soft, it does help.
I have boxes of forgiving that remain unchecked and boxes I have checked off.
- The Klonopin addict former friend with the verbally abusive husband is as of today checked off and forgiven. She doesn’t live here any longer and that is a good thing.
- The business friend who made a mistake I am checking that box off today too.
- The decision we made to have our dog’s cataract removed that ended in her having her eye removed is checked off.
- My husband’s heart surgery, the surgeon’s mistake, the husband’s bad habits that are no more, checked off.
- The people who said they would help while I “lived” in Tampa for the first 4 days, still open. I am disappointed in one particular friend and I have two boxes here. Forgiving her isn’t easy for me, forgiving others easier so their box is checked, they are just fair weather friends anyway.
- The person who vandalized our house while we were in Tampa, our freshly painted house, because she did not like the way my husband spoke to her – checked off because it’s fixed and now we have cameras.
- The minor surgery I had that went wrong and the head of the dept who still argues with me about it not checked off.
- The screaming neighbor (now I know what a banshee sounds like) who doesn’t get it that my husband did not call the county, the HOA President did, checked off because she is an ass, and we all know there is no dealing with an ass.
- Irma – caused a lot or work, grief, and money but its nature, it happens, checked off.
- The real estate agent who did not like being told he needed to remove a closed sale from the MLS and went off in a tirade of physical threats against my husband, the sheriff is involved and that box is definitely not checked off.
Yes, I have some work to do. I have 3 incidents I am not ready to check off as forgiven. I did check off 2 today as I wrote about them. It is easier to find forgiveness when you just don’t care anymore.
I encourage you to write a list like I did, you might find forgiveness there. Those you need to forgive are not going to apologize to you, they don’t care, you do, I do.
However if you don’t and are like me, and not ready yet, that’s all okay. Forgiveness takes time and one day I will know that it doesn’t matter any longer.