Surviving the Rabbit Hole

Is anybody out there?

Does anybody care?

Hello, are you there?

Anyone?

I have not written in a very long time however this blog site called my name today and I thought it might be time to come up out of the rabbit hole and let you all know that I feel as if I have been dumped in rabbit shit.

Get it?  Rabbit hole, rabbit shit?

I am trying to climb out.  I am trying to catch my footing.  I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the last time I wrote a blog article here I was a very happily married woman, and now I am alone.

I don’t use the W word.  It turns my stomach inside out to use it.  Why is there even such a word?  We are born, we are various ages of children in years, we get married, we get divorced, we stay single, our spouses die so WTF do we need a moniker for that?  Also WTF do we need to acknowledge being divorced.  I am single now.  I was married, he died, I am single.

Labels – I am sick and tired of labels.  I am Carole Sanek, period. Who does the rest matter to anyway?

Here I am, back again behind the monitor and the keyboard letting the world know (is anybody out there?) that after almost 19 years of marriage, over 20 years of knowing each other Larry went and stroked out with such violence that he could not recover.

The clot was that big.

It took out about 50% of his brain stem where most major functions stem from and he was semi-comatose and would be the rest of his life.

He had advanced directives, and after a discussion with his kids we had him removed from everything and transferred him to hospice where he died 3 1/2 days later.

I have written about he and I every day since this happened.  It is all on my very public Facebook page and today was Day 143, the day I decided to move forward and write the damn story of love, grief, and fucking bad timing.

I know as I re-read what I have written here that I sound angry.  I wouldn’t call it anger.  I am frustrated.  I am sad.  I am mourning in writing here.  I am deep in my grief wilderness at times.  I can’t believe he is gone.  I can’t believe we didn’t get 10-15 more wonderful years.  I am tired.  I am tired of it all to be honest.

I wish I could wake up and find out it was one big bad dream.

It wasn’t.

I miss him with every breath I take.

Let me give you all one big piece of advice, talk about death and dying.  Make plans, have a will, have a living will, have a durable power of attorney, get this all done, we did.  It helped.  We just didn’t talk about it enough.  TALK.

That being said I am not leaving Larry’s ashes where I want to leave them not necessarily where he wanted me to leave them because he never told me.  I know he likes the vineyard where I left some of him, and the mountains where I left even more of him so when I go back I can talk to him.

Also maybe go over to my FB which is Carole L Sanek and read Day 143.  It’s public, you can see it.

143 Larry always.

Born 5/14/46 Died 3/3/19 and loved by many.

 

 

 

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