Surviving a bad year takes a whopping load of stamina. On one hand rests a heavy load of gratefulness, on the other hand a heavy load of exhaustion. 2017 took so much of my energy away and replaced it with days where getting out of bed was the only thing I did. Big scares, many tears, and a lot of the times having to handle things alone made it a complicated bad year.
When we go through very difficult times and come out the other side in a better place we don’t immediately rev up our engines and hit the road at top speed. Fooled me, I thought when I could finally breathe without hurting that everything would be wonderful again. It wasn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the good that I have been blessed with, the good that followed the bad, but the events that caused all this leave me puzzled as to where is the lesson.
When I look back over all the years I have lived of course there have been other bad ones. Losing my father when he was so young and would have loved being with his grandchildren is still hard for me to write about, and I still cry. The lesson here is appreciating every day we have with those we love.
My children’s father committed suicide. He was a vile human being, a despicable man who did terrible things and choosing to take his life was the icing on the cake he baked of deconstructing our family. You don’t get over this ever and this is the year I will write about what he did, why he chose to die, and more in my book “Suicide Elegy” which will be my story, along with the stories of others who have been dealt this devastating blow, and how they have coped and carried on in their lives. The lesson here is I cannot “fix” my family, I can only “fix” myself.
The year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through it alone, totally alone. The lesson here is that I am strong, I made it out the other side on my own. Even when I was fired from my job in the middle of treatment, and had to file an ADA lawsuit to stay employed and have insurance, I stood tall and proud and strong. The lesson I learned here was truly only trust yourself when the chips are down.
There have been other years with shitty happenings and I don’t want to sit here in front of my wailing wall on line and continue because I know everyone reading this has had shitty years from time to time. Growing from one, learning from one, and moving through one are easier when you can look back and see the lesson. I have not reached that lesson point yet. That is probably why I am exhausted (still) and why I have days where motivation isn’t in my head.
I do know that things are better, I am grateful that our lives are vastly improved, and I know where I need to put my energies in 2018. I chose my 3 words to live by, my 3 words that I will write down and carry with me, 3 words I will tape up in places where I will see them daily, 3 words to remind me what I am working towards in 2018. My words are heart, map and win.
Heart – I want to reflect deeply on what people write or say. Too many times people put their thoughts out on social media and people don’t understand them at all. Many times people find fault, give advice that wasn’t asked for, judge (this happens so much) or actually become argumentative or sarcastic. I want to use my heart more, I want to reach out and ask questions before I open my mouth or keyboard. I want to use my heart to remember there are people I need to move away from to protect my own heart.
Map- I am determined to be more on task, to schedule my weeks better. I want to stick to plans and complete them, I am the world’s worst procrastinator. No excuses this time around, I am mapping things out from this point on and I will learn how to live with it.
Win – well of course we all want to win, but for me I chose the word win to cover things I know it is past time to handle. I am in excellent health but I have known for years I need to be more active and I want to lose some pounds. I want to look and feel better. Winning also goes to heart and map. I will be using a lot of check marks this year, check marks to show accomplishments and I am excited about this.
My 3 words are my resolutions if you prefer that word. I don’t, for me I know that all 3 words will lead to a better year for me and those around me. Maybe these 3 words are my lesson, I don’t know but I will try to build my year from the ground up so I can soar.
Surviving a bad year – I did it, it was never easy, but I made it through.